20 November 2010 - Its been so long... Oh dear diary, I need u to show how much I suffered. Well, its expected & written though. Time passes real quick, its nearly November end. My career is getting good. Few offers coming in. I just need to pick job that really challenge my ability & my skill. I love challenge!! Well, there are lotsa lotsa thing to be considered though. I need time to think.
Me & him? Nothings wrong. But deep heart digging makes me realise facts that can never be change. Its about our future. Well actually, ITS ABSOLUTE @ INFINITE @ NO FUTURE for us. Like I mention earlier, we are of different religion, beliefs. Our heart our feelings of love is obviously exist. But how long can it hold if u dont have any intention to get married bcoz u know ur fam wont approve?
He better not wasting his time with me. He's close to 30 in about 2 years plus, its no longer time for lovey dovey, i love u, i miss u or wutsoever, its time to settle down. So I figured, no matter how much I love him, still it cant buy me my religion. No compromising on the religion for both of us? So, wuts the point of taking our relationship much longer? Its hurting by just thinking of it.
Conclusion is, BACK OUT. Theres no need to carry forward. Let him go & go away from me. I know decision is not mine alone. Its a relationship, 2 way relationship, I dont know what will he say but this, but I am certain, he will be ok. He loves his religion way way way much than me, & so do I. I guess he will be fine.
Still I cant hide my sorrow. I still think of him in my every single breath. I sleep with the thoughts, Is he doing OK? Have he eaten yet? Hows his health? He completed all his job already? When will he be back to hometown? And then, when I wake up, the same questions re-appear, again and again.
Even worst, I keep thinking, is he still thinking of me? Ever he miss me? Does he miss hanging around with me? Will he blow me when we bumped each other? Sigh sigh & sigh..... I feel like crying.... I am so alone again.. I hope he'll find the right girl for him but I am so not READY to see him with another girl. I cant help feeling jealous. I will envy the girl that he loves, whoever she is.
I sleep, I woke up with a broken heart. This feeling nearly bring me down. Lucky, I have my colleagues, my frens & family that can distract me from this feeling. But still, I cant erase him from my mind, with a single clap. I need time, yes time, but Im not sure till when it is.
Dear darling, if u read this someday, I hope & really hope, u will know my true feeling bout u. My every single "I miss U" & "I love U" note, is real, & will always be real. My feeling towards u was & is never fake, Im being honest with u, I am so transparent to u. But the fate the love the future is not for us.
Looking forward for your arrival. It maybe tough, but I promise, I will play cool. I know, I still able to smile, happy with just looking at u even with a far distance... Thank you for loving me once. *hugs*kisses*tear*
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